Have you ever massively crashed and burned? Have you ever just given up on your goals and had no idea how to start again? If so, this episode is for you my friend. I go through all the techniques I utilize on a daily basis to boost my productivity and remind myself about what I’m working towards. If you’re looking for a reboot, start here.

[Transcript]

0:08
What’s up, everybody, welcome to the ritual girl podcast. My name is Jessica. And I am so honored that you’re here with me today.

0:16
In the last five years, I’ve built a million dollar company from the ground up from nothing. I went from waiting tables and living in a crappy studio apartment in Chicago, to owning a company with seven figures of income, living on the water in Hawaii, and having the freedom to do exactly what I want with my time, all because of a shift in a mindset, strategy and rituals. So my mission here is to share with you everything I’ve learned along the way, so that you can level up and live the life that you have imagined to.

0:49
So let’s dive in.

0:54
Wow, this is crazy. This is the first podcast that I’ve ever recording. I’m probably not the first one you’re gonna hear. But I decided to start with something I know well, which is failure and picking yourself back up again and getting back on the train for the zillionth time.

1:11
But, but yeah, this is, this is strange for me to just like dive into this realm of podcasting that I know nothing about. I mean, I’ve listened to podcasts, but if I’m not a podcaster not yet anyway, soon, hopefully we’re gonna get there. But, um, yeah, Hi, thank you for tuning in and giving me a chance to

1:36
talk to you about things that I’ve learned, I’m

1:41
the reason I chose this, this subject to start is because I’m coming off of a couple weeks of just difficult stuff.

1:50
I had some

1:53
experiences that brought up a lot of painful childhood memories, and I kind of fell off every wagon imaginable.

2:01
fell into a minor depression

2:05
wasn’t feeling myself, I was really feeling insecure and

2:11
scared, you know, if anybody has been through stuff in childhood, they, they’re gonna understand you and understand

2:19
what that’s like. And then I happen to sorry for the guys listening. It also happened to go back to back with a hormone surge that happens every month. And so those two things combined with each other, ended up in two or three really long, painful weeks. So now I’m coming back on to it. And

2:43
learning that for the 50th time, that it’s just a matter of keeping the habits that you formed, and falling back into the routines and falling back into the ways that you ground yourself.

2:58
So I guess let’s just dive into that subject right now.

3:05
I got to preface this with saying that I did not prepare any of this. Because if I had,

3:11
I would have spent years researching before I can even get this, get this one podcast out. And so this is just off the fly by the seat of my pants kind of thing. I don’t even know what I’m going to talk about for the previous episode. So I’m sorry if they’re a little mismatch, and a little raw, but it’s fine, because that’s how you get shit done. Okay, you just got it, got it, ship it out there.

3:37
and adjust as time goes on. But anyway, so the things that helped me stay grounded.

3:44
I think the number one rule for anybody for the in any sphere of life, is that

3:52
every moment of every day is a chance to start again.

3:57
So

3:59
we as a culture have a problem with Mondays and New Year’s resolutions. And I’ll start again tomorrow, whether it’s diet or whether it’s work, or whether it’s being nice to your children.

4:13
We have a problem of

4:15
well, I already screwed it up. So what’s the point?

4:19
And that is a messed up scenario. Because if you think about it, if you mess up

4:25
something every day at 10 o’clock in the morning, and you write off the rest of the day, every day of your life. That’s 12 hours a day that you get to do nothing because you already feel like you’re a failure. Nevermind the time that you’re sleeping. So really, you’ve got like, until 10 o’clock to get shit done.

4:43
And it doesn’t have to be that way. Okay. If you can eat your jelly doughnut and the conference room that you shouldn’t have had at 10 o’clock and at 1005 somebody asks you if you want to go out for lunch at I don’t know, an Italian restaurant where

5:00
You know, you’re gonna eat a shit ton of food that you’re not supposed to eat.

5:03
And you feel like you already wrote off the day, and you already failed, then you’re gonna say, yeah, sure, no problem.

5:10
But if, if you think of every moment as the time to start again, then you’re gonna make a better choice, right? And that, that crosses boundaries between everything. It could be that at 1005, you decided that, yeah, you failed, but it’s okay, it happens, you know, you’re not going to be the only person in the conference room, not eat a doughnut. But the next thing that you do is going to be more in alignment with who you are. And your kid calls you and tells you they did something wrong.

5:38
If you’re beating yourself up about that stupid donut, you’re gonna be an asshole to that kid. But if you’ve

5:45
forgiven yourself, and you’ve decided to move on, then you’re going to have a little bit more brain power, and wavelength to be able to deal with the kid in a more reasonable manner.

5:57
So I think that’s a fundamentally

6:01
important thing that I do in my life. And it’s a struggle for sure.

6:07
But it’s fundamentally important to see every single moment as a chance to start again. So no more Monday’s, forget the Monday, okay.

6:17
If you want today to be a day that you’re going to go out and cheat on your diet, and Okay, you decided that you made that decision. But you can’t do that every day. You know, yeah, you have the right to make that decision. So make that decision for today, or make the decision for next Tuesday is going to be a day that we’re going to do what is not an alignment with what we want.

6:40
But it’s got to be a choice. And it’s got to be a choice that’s not made all the time.

6:44
And,

6:47
yeah, just just start again, it’s fine.

6:52
The most important thing about all of this is that I know where it stems from, is the negative self talk. And the way that you talk to yourself is paramount to success.

7:04
I know this because I spent many years to berating myself for things that I did, that I thought I shouldn’t have. And that just makes you feel like a failure.

7:14
You know what happens when somebody criticizes you. Somebody says you did a shit job on this.

7:21
You’re probably not gonna accept it Well, unless they did it really tactfully. But you’re probably going to get defensive, and angry and bitter.

7:31
What do you think happens when you talk to yourself like that? You get defensive and angry and bitter, and self deprecating, and

7:40
it’s just a big cycle.

7:44
And the sooner that you begin to notice the way that you’re talking to yourself, the sooner you can begin to change those patterns.

7:56
I talked about a minute ago, I mentioned that I had a difficult time dealing with something that happened. And I noticed after that incident, my old patterns of talking to myself returned. And it was just like, like that was so quick, that I turned from being pretty like

8:16
self compassionate, which I’ve worked very hard to get to the point where I am now. And in an instant, I went back to my teenage self who hated herself.

8:27
And it was a little bit of a climb to get out of that hole, you know.

8:32
So it’s a process, it’s a process, you need to be patient with yourself, and you need to love yourself. And at the same time, you need to be a little tough on yourself, you need to keep yourself accountable to the standards that you hold. So if you decide that

8:48
you’re going to be kinder to yourself,

8:51
then you stop when you notice something needs to stop. Literally, like stop walking.

8:59
And rephrase what you’re saying.

9:02
saying I’m so stupid for eating that jelly doughnut. My god, I’m never gonna lose any weight. I’m so fat, because it’s tough.

9:10
And you got to say, yeah, that was bad. I shouldn’t have done that.

9:16
I’m not a bad person. I did something that’s bad. I’m going to do better. Okay, and this is a whole nother subject.

9:24
fixed mindset versus growth mindset. Now, a lot of our generation, I’m talking our generation is in like, millennial early millennials, it’s fine. If you’re different generation I’m talking about myself, but

9:37
we grew up with a very fixed mindset. You are smart. You are pretty. You are.

9:47
You are what you are right. Like, you’re told

9:52
that you’re good or you’re bad. Because you did something and I catch myself saying this to my kids sometimes and I’m going to kick myself when I do it because

10:03
He can spill sparkles all over the floor, you’re bad, don’t do that you’re bad.

10:09
You just told them that they’re a bad person. And a bad person is not something that can be fixed. You are eternally a bad person, it’s equally wrong if you tell somebody that they’re a good person.

10:21
Because

10:23
when they do something bad,

10:27
when they do something that they shouldn’t have done,

10:30
then that shows them that actually, they’re not a good person, they must be a bad person, because they’re not a good person.

10:38
My biggest insecurity is that I’m not smart. And it’s because I was told constantly, when I was a kid, you’re so smart, you’re so smart, you’re so smart.

10:48
And so, like, when I get in a passionate fight, my husband and I’m really emotional and hormonal.

10:56
I catch anything that he says that possibly links me with anything having to do with stupid.

11:03
And I can recognize that now that that’s because

11:08
I was taught with such a fixed mindset. And that’s not my parents fault, necessarily. It’s the parenting generation that happened.

11:16
But we all have something to do with that, you know, we all have some, some work to do on ourselves about our fixed mindset. And so the way

11:26
let me see how to phrase this.

11:29
The way that you fix your fixed mindset, is you just have to rephrase everything.

11:39
You’re not bad, because you spilled sparkles on the floor, you did something that is bad, the action that you did, was not in alignment with what you should be doing. Right?

11:49
Why did you do that,

11:52
that’s not a nice thing to do. You need to switch the emphasis from

11:59
you are blank to you’ve done something that is blank. So the action itself is that not you as a person, you as a person or something that’s moldable and fixable and changeable.

12:14
And

12:17
that is the key

12:21
to talking to yourself, Well, honestly.

12:25
Because if you find yourself saying that you are fat, because of this, or you are stupid because of this.

12:34
That’s a belief that you have of yourself, that it’s not changeable, in your opinion.

12:42
But everything is changeable, you are 100%, in control of everything that you do.

12:50
You’re not in charge of everything that happens to you. But you are responsible for the action that you reciprocate back to them, whatever happens to you.

13:01
I’m going on a tangent here.

13:03
But there’s a quote, I believe, pretty sure by Viktor Frankl, it says there’s a space

13:13
between the stimulus and the response. And in that space, lies our freedom.

13:21
And that space between the stimulus and the response is where your freedom

13:26
lies.

13:30
Like the fact that somebody who lived in arguably the most tragic times of our modern history, was able to turn it around and say that you are in control of your destiny.

13:43
You know, you your freedom

13:47
is where you make the choice on how to respond. So that’s,

13:53
that’s a big thing, you are in control of everything, you have a space.

13:57
You don’t have to respond immediately to anything that happens.

14:03
Even in the breath, and I learned this, I’m a certified yoga teacher. And I learned this in my training, that even in your breath, there’s a space at the top of the breath,

14:15
to pause at the bottom of breath to pause. It’s not a continuous feedback loop. There’s a space.

14:26
And so you have to offer yourself that space in every moment. When you’re feeling

14:33
out of control. You know, there’s always something there.

14:39
So, what did I talk about already? I talked about, I don’t even remember

14:48
talking nicely to yourself. There’s a space between the stimulus and the response.

14:56
Oh, and that you can start again any day you want, right? Any moment

15:00
that you want. And those things are kind of all bundled together in.

15:06
In the realm of, you’re in control. And they really need to be identified in your own way, the way that you need to replace old beliefs and insert them into yours.

15:20
But they’re very important. You always can start again, every moment of every day, you’re in control of your thoughts, you’re in control of the response that you give to everything around you.

15:33
And,

15:36
and you need to be nice to yourself, you’re the only person that’s going to always be there, for sure. You know, you don’t know what’s going to happen to the people around you, they might leave, they might die, they might decide they don’t want to be around you anymore. You cannot rely on other people building you up, you need to build yourself up. That’s the only way that you’re ever gonna be able to find true happiness.

16:01
So what else? So the thing that things like ground me, I want to talk a little bit about

16:09
movement,

16:11
and exercise. And like, I feel like the word exercise is such a stupid, negatively connotated word that, like makes me not want to ever move period because I hate the word.

16:26
But I’ve recently the last four months, I’ve started running. And

16:32
it’s amazing. I went from not being able to run at all, like I’m decided I was not a runner, just period, not a runner, which just goes back to the fixed mindset thing, right?

16:44
I can run, I’m perfectly capable. It was hard. It was very hard for the first couple of weeks.

16:51
But it’s such a good barometer running in general, but also I do yoga too. And so Yoga is very much the same. In that it’s a barometer of where you are, and how you’re feeling and where your body is at what you ate yesterday, how your emotions are sitting. often enough, I’ve been

17:12
just like floating along thinking I’m great, especially after the last week of everything that happened. And

17:19
I felt like I was good. You know, but then you start running. And you can tell you’re not good man. Like there’s something up, I wasn’t eating well wasn’t sleeping well, your body can tell. And so that’s kind of a way of pushing yourself out of just like the day to day, and having something that’s a check in with your body because your body will always respect your mind. So

17:45
what I do is I run the same trail, three miles every day. And

17:52
I can tell the difference. And it gives me a feedback loop of Oh, I need to change something. Yesterday, I had two glasses of wine, I really shouldn’t have done that if I wanted to perform today, you know, or

18:04
that fight that we had last night

18:07
affected me more than I thought, or I’m not drinking enough water, right, or

18:14
I should take a day off. Like sometimes you need to push yourself, honestly, most of the time you need to push yourself. But there are some times that you really just need to take the day off and give yourself some compassion and rest.

18:27
So it’s very good. Like, there’s been days that I’ve ran half of it and been like now I really need to not, I need to give myself the compassion to just stop and walk the rest.

18:38
Because there are days for pushing in their days for resting. And it’s very important to be able to discern,

18:45
because otherwise you’re gonna burn yourself out.

18:49
The other thing that I do every day, except for when I’m off the rails is I do a morning.

18:57
journaling session.

19:00
Tim Ferriss calls it morning pages, and Rachel Hollis calls it the start today journal, but whatever you want to call it.

19:07
In the morning, you sit down, and you write down the things that you’re grateful for five things, six things, 10 things, but preferably, three to five is what I would say.

19:20
And it can’t be your family or love in your life or like it’s got to be very specific and granular because you need to be able to recall the emotions of what happened. And it’s got to be within the last day since the last time you you did your journal, unless there’s something major that you really want to talk about, or like recall in your brain because it’ll turn on your neurons and make you happy that it should be something small.

19:47
So once you’re done

19:49
with writing down the things that you’re grateful for, which is the most important thing.

19:56
Tony Robbins says that the answer

20:00
antidote for

20:02
fear or anxiety, I don’t know which one it is, is gratitude. And so it’s not, it’s not possible to be fearful and grateful at the same time.

20:13
So it kind of, I find it true, you get to pick one. And so if you’re trying to force yourself to be grateful, you’re not going to be able to be scared.

20:22
Anyway, um, and then after that, you write down the things you want to manifest in your life, but you write them down as if they’ve already happened. And that’s really important.

20:34
You can’t say,

20:37
I want to have a house in the Bahamas, you can’t say that, you have to say, I own the most gorgeous house, on the water in Bahamas, if it already happened, you have to say, you can’t say I want to lose 30 pounds, you have to make it positive. And it’s already happened. So you have to say, I’m a size four and jeans or whatever, right? It has to be positive, it has to be descriptive. And it has to be as if it already happened. Now you can do as many of these as you want, I do 10,

21:08
I have a hard time getting to the 10th. I’ve got like seven strong ones that I’m clear on the other ones, I’m kind of still figuring out, you know,

21:17
and they should be the same every day. You don’t want to change it up all the time.

21:22
Like, if you’ve got things you’re playing with and trying to figure out, that’s fine. But you need to have the core of several, that you’re sure of that this is exactly what I want. And what I’ve started to do lately, because I’ve I’ll do manifesting story another day. But I’ve like legitimately manifested some things exactly as I wanted them

21:41
because of visualization. And so I write them down. And then one by one, as I write them down, I visualize them. So I give myself a second, close my eyes and

21:51
try to experience what would it feel like to have achieved that thing. So if you want the house in the Bahamas, this is not my thing, just just an example.

22:02
you envision yourself opening the door to the house, you feel the feelings of joy that you would have you listen and hear if you can hear the ocean, you. You see, try to find out what it would smell like is it tropical flowers, you know.

22:18
So, it’s very important to be graphic, because that’s how your brain works.

22:24
It works in images, and it works to figure out how to make reality happen. And so

22:35
if you’re clear on what you want, and your brain thinks that it’s already happened, because you’re telling it that it’s already happened, it rearranges itself to try and figure out why it’s not the way that it’s supposed to be that you already think it is, you know, so if your your brain will start looking for things, it’s like, if you are walking down the street, you don’t see any particular car. But if you’re you really want to buy a Hyundai Elantra or whatever, then you get to see those candles everywhere, right? It’s not like there’s more of them, you’re just your brain is paying attention.

23:05
So if you tell your brain what you want, it’ll subconsciously scan every scenario

23:12
to try and figure out how to get it.

23:15
But it’s even more powerful, because you’ve told me that it’s already happened. So that’s number two, that’s very important.

23:25
And what I like to do, I’ve combined a couple of practices, but I like to

23:30
go through after that go through my day and figure out like, what are the things that I need to do today?

23:37
And really, what are those out of those things are actually gonna get me to where I want to go. So you’ve got a long to do list going through emails and shit, but that’s not necessarily going to get you where you want to go, right. It’s just busy work.

23:50
And you don’t need to be doing busy work. So identify the one thing that you can do today, that will make a big jump towards the dreams that you want to achieve. Okay.

24:04
Um, so, grounding yourself, physically, to check in with yourself, whether that’s playing basketball, or whether that’s running or whether it’s, I don’t know, rollerblading down the street, I don’t know just some way to check in with yourself, your body and your brain. And, and then the morning practice of writing down what you’re grateful for is very powerful and manifesting, writing down the things that you want, as if they’ve happened. also extremely powerful.

24:34
So I think that’s enough stuff to chew on for now.

24:41
Oh, one more thing. You can change how you feel emotionally by changing your body. So if you’re feeling sad, put your shoulders back, chin up. Pull your tummy in.

24:54
And pretend that everything’s great until you feel better. Honestly, smile Even though you don’t

25:00
Want to just smiling will make you happier.

25:04
great trick is having a dance party or jumping up and down, really will reset you in an instant. And the one thing that I really like that I don’t use enough, but it’s very powerful is the power pose and call it Superman pose or Superwoman pose. You put your hands on your hips,

25:24
and you put the shoulders back, and you put your chin up. And you just stand like that for a minute or two.

25:33
And it does wonders. It improves your physiology, it improves your brain, it makes you feel much more confident and it instant, along instantly, but still an instant. So those are some tips. I hope that this wasn’t too

25:50
raw for you. But

25:52
give me time. If you like what you heard today, please subscribe might be my very first subscriber and I would love that. One of the things that I’m writing down right now in my morning journal is that I’ve, I’ve had 50,000 podcasts.

26:11
So that’s my goal, my big goal To start off with, and you’ve officially made it one. So thank you. Thank you for getting me to where I want to go. I hope this was useful for you. And I hope that you bring it into your life and that it makes some small difference. So

26:31
I’ll see you next time.

[End Podcast]

Photo by Kristopher Roller on Unsplash

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